Thanks To Twilight I Cannot
by Serenity T. Gapurn
Summary: Do anything! A list of everything Twilight has enabled me not to do. Feel free to flame, not for Twilight fans. If there are any...
1. Do These Twenty Five Things

**In between writing, reading Shakespeare and Orson Scott Card, listening to All Time Low and Lily Allen, and talking on the phone, I get bored. So I decided to create this list as a rant to everyone reading the gawrshaweful series by Sueinie Meyer. I've been badgered by twenty thousand people lately, so here you go.**

**Thanks to the Twilight Saga I cannot...**

Sing Panic at the Disco lyrics. "There are feathers everywhere," without having Twihards saying, "OMG, Bella was covered in feathers!"

Walk into Hot Topic and make it to the t-shirt section without being blinded by Twilight merchandise.

Say, "Twilight is ignorant," without being murdered.

Name any character in my story with a name similar to any of the Twilight characters. Thanks so much.

Listen to Paramore without being mistaken for a Twilight fangirl.

Write about normal vampires in my stories.

Put sparkles on anything.

Say, "The twilight is gorgeous tonight," or, "It's dark out. Must be the new moon."

Write, "Yeah, I really liked Twilight." Then I get attacked by a thousand billion people before saying, "Erin Hunter did pretty good for The New Prophecy. I'm such a Leaf and Crow shipper."

Type Vampire into Google.

Ever read the Merchant of Venice in front of anyone or quote Romeo and Juliet. Thanks again.

Go to ANY website. (I'm serious people.)

Be a vampire for Halloween

Watch the Goblet of Fire

Watch The Uninvited

Listen to Linkin Park

Spend five minutes near almost any girl. If you aren't one of those girls, I bow to you.

Make a guy a "player" in my stories without someone saying, "So, he's like Edward?"

Talk about possibilites for Hollyleaf's power without someone saying, "It'z Jaspers!"

Go into Barnes and Noble or Borders without being assaulted by a kajillion Twilights.

Sing any song that relates to a forbidden love.

Use a red ribbon for a bookmark. (Fangirl: It looks like the Eclipse cover!)

Say, "I'm Team Tyler's Van." Believe me, you get tarred and feathered.

Say, "Ya know, logically, vampires don't sparkle. They burn."

Write a list like this without being flamed

**So, there you go! Twenty five things I can't do. This is probably a one-shot unless I get some ideas. Feel free to put me on a spit and flame.**

**-S. T. Gapurn**


	2. Or These Twenty Five Things!

**Thanks for the ideas! I skimmed the Book O' Doom, (otherwise known as Twilight) for some more ideas. It's scary how some of those ideas that I got are true O.o**

Twenty Five More Things I Cannot Do Thanks To Twilight:

Look at a copy of Wuthering Heights

Explain to my eight year old sister that the books are explicit and she shouldn't read them.

Ever say, "Werewolves are hot," without being attacked. I would have finished with, "I wish Remus would have went with me!"

Go through a normal conversation about what my favorite book series is. (Me: It's definetly the Edge Chronicles. Someone Else: I thought you loved Twilight! Me: Umm....no. Someone Else: But...but...you must! Get her!)

Read my science book without finding the words New Moon underlined and circled with a heart. (I'm dead serious.)

Ever bring myself to learn how to drive a motorcycle

Purchase any book without having to exorcise it. It probably has touched a thousand Twilights. Stupid bookstores.

Spend five minutes in Wal-Mart without seeing someone wearing a Team "Whatever" shirt. I'm serious about Team Tyler's Van.

Allow any boyfriend of mine ever to take me to an Italian resturant.

Walk into a ballet studio. (Hey, I may actually be thanking Sueinie for this...)

Let my future husband take me to an island for our honeymoon

Draw a vampire without someone saying, "Aren't they supposed to have gold or red eyes?" Then I say, "No, this one has blue eyes. And black wings. And burns in the sun. BURNS."

Type Mary Sue without accidentally typing Bella Cullen instead.

Describe something in my writing as, "Fire and ice."

Speak to my friends about my sleeping habits. (Me: Yeah, I'm more of a night person. Friend: So, like a vampire? Me: NO. VAMPIRES SLEEP. DURING THE DAY. IN COFFINS. RAAAH!)

Look at how many Twilight fanfiction's there are without retching.

(Back before Twilight was in theatres) Watch any TV channel without seeing twenty five Twilight commercials.

Read any magazine without a ten page article on Twilight. (Even Time.)

Listen to any song on the Twilight album. Oh, wait...that's another good thing!

Say, "Edward is a fictional character. He does not exist. You, my enemy, have nothing under that cranium of yours besides grey matter that is not functioning."

Have the username, Alice, without being asked if I am a Cullen.

See any username anywhere that doesn't end with Cullen. You are not a Cullen. You never will be. Unless your last name REALLY is Cullen, then don't put it like that. Grrrrah.

Allow any fifteen year old boy within ten feet of a three year old.

Look at my aunt's Volvo.

Believe that a list about Twilight things gets more views than a near 20,000 word fairy tale. It sickens me

**Honestly, it does. Courtly Love has gotten less views this month than a Twilight thing. But reviews are nice on both! Thanks for some of the ideas, and I'm still taking more.**


	3. Any Of These Twenty Five Things Either!

**Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm dedicating this chapter to my friends Kayla, Audra and Nolan who gave me a good ninety percent of these ideas.**

Even Do These Twenty Five Things:

Let my ex-boyfriend near by newborn

Let my uncle Jake near my newborn

Hear the word Eclipse in science without bursting into silent laugher. (This is my friend Kayla, not me.)

Go to any prom or homecoming. Ever.

Eat cherry syrup without flinching

Trip without thinking, "I just pulled a Bella."

Look at a fork the same way ever again.

Have blood drawn for fear it'll be used to feed a hellchild.

Wake up when it's "breaking dawn."

Walk in the woods without looking over my shoulder for vampires.

Eat an apple without crying.

Think swans are pretty. Swans are ugly Bella Sues. 12

Watch MTV ever.

Own an old red truck.

Bring myself to buy a Porche.

Travel to Italy.

Travel to Alaska. (Not that I would.)

Go camping with my friends without packing a gun with silver bullets.

Sit next to that pale kid in class who keeps looking my way.

Resist the urge to dump holy water on that pale kid.

Resist the urge to buy a dog, name it Jacob, and take it for an Old Yeller treatment in the woods.

Understand what the h-e double hockey sticks Team Switzerland means. Switzerland is a _country. _

Hug my Twilight-reading friends without taking a shower afterwards.

Comprehend how stupid some Twilight readers are. (Reader: I thought you liked Twilight! Me: FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME! NO!)

Stop logging in to Twilight fansites under the name EdwardisDead

**Teehee, I like these! More coming soon!**


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